Sinclair Maxwell's Therapy for Fanfictional Characters
by Sin Maxwell and Co
Summary: A crack-filled debauchery of therapy sessions with a multitude of our favorite anime, book and movie characters as they face Couple's Therapy, their other selves from various other fanfics, interventions & cross dressers. Rated for slash, crack, questionable themes, OOC and AU's. Sailor Moon, Harry Potter, Zoids, Black Butler, FMA, Tenchi Muyo, Lord of the RIngs, Abarat, and more!


A/N: Alright, for those of you who regularly follow my work, I do not typically do humor stories. This will be my first, ever, and it's dedicated to Fun With Phones, written by Biowolf way back in 2002 when I was still an impressionable youngster. It was probably the very first fanfic I ever read so I suppose all of you have Biowolf to thank for my work today. I started watching anime, specifically Zoids again, and this baby popped out. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: All of the characters in this crack-rock belong to their respective authors. I am making no money.

Warnings: Will contain copious amounts of crack. Slash. Ridiculousness. A bit of vulgarity and possibly even some explosives.

**Therapy For Fanfictional Characters**

_**Couples Therapy: Session #1**_

Sin: Alright everyone, my name is Sinclair Maxwell. Today you are all here because you find yourself unhappy in some way with the state of your relationships. This is our first session of Couples Therapy for Fanfictional Characters and I hope you'll get the most out of it.

Ryoko: Hey, who're you calling fictional?

Sin: *holding back an eyeroll* Today, we'll be delving into some deep feelings as well as discussing individual, specific problems we all face in our relationships. With us are the Dark Lord Sauron and his Nazgul lover, the Witch King of Angmar; The Dark Lord Voldemort and his betrayer Consort and the Boy-With-Too-Many-Hyphens, Harry Potter; Prince of the Abaratian Island of Gorgossium, Christopher Carrion and his funky space piratess, Ryoko.

Anita: Piratess?

Ryoko: *annoyed* Funky?

Sin: Quiet. Also with us is the Executioner and Federal Marshall, Anita Blake with her live in sweetie, Master of the City, Jean-Claude. Or would that be dead-in sweetie?

Anita: *raises an eyebrow* Hardy har. You're hilarious.

Sin: *smiles sweetly * Yes. Yes, I am. Our final couple visiting with us today is Lord Ciel Phantomhive and his demonic butler, Sebastian.

Harry: * eyeballing the dementor-thing to his right* Who are you supposed to be again?

WitchKing: I am the Witch King of Angmar, mortal.

Ryoko: You supposed to be someone important? * crosses arms, raising an eyebrow*

Harry: So are you a crossdresser? Are you a witch or are you a king or both?

WitchKing: Both, foolish human scum.

Harry: So you _are_ a crossdresser.

Jean-Claude: Would you like a job? Good pay and you get tips. I have many crossdressers in my employment. * smiles pleasantly*

WitchKing: * rises to his feet, enraged, giving his best piercing screech* I am not a crossdresser. I am a powerful sorcerer king! I am Nazgul, leader of the Nine!

Ciel: * sneers, leaning away from the towering figure* Your breath is like broken dreams and disappointment.

WitchKing:...I will destroy you all.

Harry: Yeah, yeah. You and everyone else. Get in line, mate.

_The Witch King sits back down petulantly, crossing his arms. Sinclair clears her throat, trying not to look irritated. Gives everyone a friendly, if not somewhat faded smile._

Sin: Now that introductions are out of the way, let's discuss why we're here today. We'll take turns and remember, the biggest step is admitting there's a problem, getting yourselves here. The hardest part is over. Ciel, why don't you go first?

Ciel: * taps his cane against his chair in disdain.* That's Lord Phantomhive.

Sin: *smiles broadly * Yeah, whatever.

Ciel: * eye narrows* The insolence-!

Sebastian: *steps in before Ciel can start ranting with a charming smile * Don't mind him, lady. He's always like this.

Ciel: Sebastian!

Sin: Well, Sebastian, why don't you tell us your thoughts? What do you have to say about your partner?

Sebastian: *** **gleefully* Where do I begin? He leaves wet towels on the floors, he's never pleased with any of my hard work, he even named me after his dog! I'm practically a slave. I do the cooking, the cleaning, I even dress and bathe him and do I ever get a word of thanks? Will he ever dress as a cat for me in bed? No, all because I'm a demon, too. * face falls in sadness while everyone in the circle shakes their heads in disgust at Ciel*

Ciel: * staring at his butler in abject horror and rage*

Jean-Claude: I know just how you feel, mon ami.

Ryoko: No kidding.

Anita: Dressing as a cat? You need a wereleopard in your life.

Ciel: * glare; refuses to pout because lords simply did _not_ pout.*

Sin: Anita, JC, how about you? How is your relationship as a whole?

Anita: Well, he's a master vampire bent on making me his immortal companion but he's smoking hot and great in bed, so I have no real complaints. * shrugs*

Jean-Claude: Ma petite is, how you say, rough around the edges but I find it...exhilerating. * purrs with a seductive smirk*

Sin: * fanning face, looking a bit flushed* Well then...Carrion, how about yourself?

Carrion: * looks at Ryoko blankly* I don't even know this person. This entire story is a sham.

Sin: Just go with it. * taps pen on her clipboard impatiently*

Carrion: We aren't even from the same canon!

Sin: * annoyed now* You know how many ducks were given? Zero.

Carrion:...* dismayed* What does that even mean?

Ryoko: * leans over and drapes an arm over Carrion's shoulder* Let me handle this, Tall-Dark-and-Creepy.

Carrion: * leans away from her in disgust, sneering*

Ryoko: Just look at him. With this kind of build, I'll leave the juicy details to your imagination. * winks, grinning*

Sin: I'm a novelist. You really don't want to do that.

Ryoko: *completely ignores her * Of course he'll never compared to my Tenchi, but no one's perfect I guess. But for a disgraced prince, he's pretty handy back up in a fight! *total lie *

Carrion: * just met this woman today* What is it that you do again?

Ryoko: * grins, showing a pointed incisor* Space pirate! The most beautiful you'll ever see!

Harry: *smirks * Arrr, me hearty.

Ryoko: * rounds on him violently* Care to repeat that, four eyes?

Harry: Not a bit. * smiles innocently*

Ryoko: Thought so. Coward.

Harry: Slytherin, actually.

Sin: Alright, alright! Next! Voldie? Harry? Since you seem **so** eager to get your two cents in today.

Voldemort: I really wish you wouldn't call me that.

Sin: How about Moldy-Shorts? V-Daddy? Snake Face?

Voldemort: Forget I said anything.

Sin: Then answer the question, I haven't got all day.

Voldie: Harry makes a good Consort and General. He commands my follish Death Eaters with an iron fist. Though he does tend to...step outside of the marriage bed on occasion.

Sin: Oh my. Scandelous.

Carrion: * sneers in disgust* Shameful.

Harry: * grins saucily* You know you don't mind. I'm always learning new ways to use my parsletongue. * winks*

Voldie: * smirks* That _is _true...

Ciel: Oh. Ew.

Jean-Claude: * speaking slowly as if attempting to process this new information* Indeed...

Sebastian: How...sinful. * grins*

Ciel: Sebastian?

Sebastian: Yes?

Ciel: Shut up.

Sebastian: Yes, my lord.

Sin: Wow. Okay, our final couple! The Witch King of Angmar and...Sauron? WK, where is the Dark Lord?

Voldie: I'm here, you imbecile.

Sin: *sigh * The _other_ Dark Lord, Voldie.

Voldie: There can only be one Dark Lord!

Anita: Kind of like Highlanders.

Voldie: What?

Anita: Nevermind.

Sin: * face in hand; shakes head* WK?

WitchKing: *holds up hand that's wearing the One Ring* We are present. My Master speaks through me.

Sin:...Yeeeaahhhh. Okay, I'll bite. How are the two of you doing since Barad-dur was rebuilt?

WitchKing: * long suffering sigh* He is always sending me on scouting missions looking for this Baggins character. He has no time for me anymore. I think he wants to cheat on me with this Ring Bearer.

Sin: * tilts head; making note on clipboard* Have you discussed these fears with him?

Witch King: * slumps a little in his plastic seat* He just says that I have no head so I should stop thinking so much.

Ryoko: * snorts in disdain* He's one to talk, he's got no body at all.

Ciel: The demon pirate has a point.

Ryoko: Thanks, pipsqueak.

Ciel: Pipsqueak?!

Harry: * shoots a quick _Silencio _at the little lord*

Jean-Claude: Merci beaucoup, Monsieur Potter.

Carrion: I second that.

Sebastian: Thirded. * grinning wickedly*

Harry: * eyeballing Carrion with interest; smirking* You know...you look a lot like my husband. * winks*

Voldie: Who is sitting right here, mind you. * examining his wand, totally unconcerned*

Carrion: * glares in disgust* You are a pathetic trollop. I won't take part in your vulgarities.

Harry: * fauz swoon* You speak such sweet nothings, Christopher!

Carrion: * bares his teeth in rage* That's Lord Carrion to you, shameless hussy.

Sin: Right, well I think that's enough for today. I need to go a scrub out my brain with lye. * steps between the two while Voldemort looks on, bored* Thanks to all of our readers today and to our...rather unique couples. We'll see all of you at our next session and don't be late!


End file.
